First goal met! Just need to keep on keepin’ on…

I have weighed myself in for a few days in a row, and I think I can safely say that I’ve reached my first goal of losing 25 pounds!  It’s a start, and I feel pretty good being here.

However…I’ve totally become one of those people who gains and loses the same 25 pounds over and over again, and that part kind of blows.  A couple of years ago, I was the smallest I had been in years, and it was freaking great.  I loved it!  I was still overweight, sure, but I was shopping in the regular sections of stores.  For anyone who hasn’t been cast off into the blah world of plus size clothing sections, let me tell you, it is a bleak and stifling world, full of neutrals pastels, and florals in boxy shapes.  Not a great selections for a girl who grew up loving Ragstock and Chucks in their heyday.  There are, of course, some cute things you can find in plus sizes, but in my experience you are either typecast as “overcompensating sexualized fat girl” or “tidy librarian who will never have sex fat girl”.  Unless you have giant piles of money to just throw at clothes, you’re kind of screwed if you have any desire to avoid these two style traps.  So, to get back to the whole point, I managed to escape this whirlpool of unoriginality and I was more than happy to donate or destroy all the old junk that I was finally free of.   Stupid ill-fitting jeans, Adios!  Annoying frumpy button down shirts, Begone!  Oversized shapeless t-shirts, You suck, Get out.

And then, the longest, coldest winter in the universe came, and I ate my way through it while watching Dexter, Weeds, and Battlestar Galactica.  Not my proudest moments, but hey.

Six months later, I was back in slothville (in total denial about it, of course), and now I had no fat clothes to return to.  It was depressing and disheartening, there’s no doubt about it.  Tough pill to swallow, the one that says “You’re back!”.  It took a while, but I finally put the breaks on, had my realization, and started to get my ass back on track.

And now I’ve worked my way back down (almost) to where I was before, at the 25 pounds gone mark.  It’s nice to be back!  For sure.  But not quite as sweet as the first time, when I swore to myself I would never go back.  Maybe now it’s better, because I know that nothing is permanent, and weight doesn’t stay off just because you worked your ass off and you feel like you deserve it to be gone forever.  So I’m in this kind of weird place, where I feel like maybe I just won’t lose any more, like maybe my body just isn’t designed to be smaller?  Which makes no sense, I know, but it’s just one of those self-sabotaging fear things.  I think if I can just even lose 10 more pounds, I will believe that I can keep going and that it is possible to lose more, and it will inspire me to shoot for my real goal of 160.

It’s a hard thing to really desperately want the scale to keep showing smaller and smaller numbers, but then to remind yourself things like: “Okay, Hope…weighing in too often is a real mind-screw”, and “Chill out!  Remember that muscle weighs more than fat!  You’re lifting heavy weights and so of course things can be changing without huge drops in the numbers.”.

Well, I’m just going to keep going, and try not to lose heart.  If I can just remind myself to treat my days as a way to practice wellness and workout to feel good, I’m hoping to take some of the pressure off and just enjoy doing new things.  On the positive side of things, I went through a great 40 minute workout this morning, spent the day with family and friends outside, and then went for a 30 minute run tonight when we got home.  I just wanted to.  And that’s a cool thing for me to be able to say.


4 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Diane Collis on September 5, 2011 at 1:04 pm

    Keep on going Hope! I know you can make it. I think every woman has at least a few pounds they would like to lose (me included) and it helps to have motivation from friends to stay focused. I think this blog is a great idea to keep you accountable to yourself. So if you keep blogging, I’ll keep encouraging!


  2. That sounds like a good deal to me! Thanks Diane. I really want to keep going, and some days hearing “You can do it” makes a big difference between making good decisions and eating all the chocolate in the house.


  3. That is the BEST description of the plus-size clothing options. Whenever I see all of those god-awful patterns and colors of the “overcompensating sexualized fat girl” pieces, I realize that the plus-size section is where the fashion failures of the 1970s have come to die.


  4. Well done on reaching 25 pounds! I so know what you mean about losing and gaining the same weight over and over. I’m about to embark on a diet that I am hoping will be THE ONE. I’ve lost most of the weight since having a baby last year but cannot shift the last stone (14 pounds). Am inspired by hearing you’ve reached this landmark!


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