Posts Tagged ‘humor’

A list-note to myself, the day after Easter

Ugh.  Easter was yesterday, and even though I was really good about staying away from that devil called gluten, I made up for it by going after the ham, potatoes and all things made of chocolate.   Chocolate bunnies, chocolate eggs, chocolate coins, rubber tires dipped in chocolate…

Well, things didn’t get that bad.  But damned close.

No more chocolate, for the love of god!

I have to get off the white stuff, starting today.  Okay, well, I did have a bowl of chocolate Chex with sweetened almond milk for breakfast…but as SOON as my blood sugar comes back down, I’m done.  Really.

I did it once before, so I know it’s not impossible.  Actually, the only time I lost weight without being obsessive about staying at exactly 1200 calories was when I cut out wheat, sugar, meat and caffeine.  So I guess I’m back on the plan.

Alright.  I can do this.  I’m just in a bit of a sugar brain fog, so I think it’s time to make a list. In full on third-person mode.

Alright, self.  This is what we’re doing today.

1.  Get out the juicer.  Go to the store and get cucumbers, apples, celery, ginger, spinach, and carrots for juicing concoctions.

Come on. Even though this chick is super annoying, it would be nice to feel this way, right?

2.  Drink a shit-ton of water.

Sorry, self.  That was unnecessarily gross.

3.   Go put a bra on – you can do this, it’s just a soft sports bra – and do a decent amount of yoga before lunch.

4.   Have some green tea with caffeine around 3 pm today.  I’m guessing that will be about the time that our head will want to explode, wondering where it’s sugar fix has gone.  Make an effort not to bite anyone’s head off for asking normal questions, like How are you? or What’re you up to today?

Stop asking me where the remote is!

5.  It’s cold and windy out today, so I think we should have a pass to stay inside for the workout today.  Yoga was NOT your workout.  Get up and go crosstrain.  How about we go do that strength cardio DVD?  The plies and squats in that one will work that booty out!

6.  Eat some decent food.  I know there is quinoa in the cupboard, there’s salmon in the freezer, there’s apples in the fruit bowl.  Go cook some brown rice to add to stuff for the next few days.  Get the kitchen in order so we don’t freak out and eat the leftover Peeps and half-eaten chocolate bunnies like a ravenous animal.

6.  For the love of god, don’t stay up late watching Lost on Netflix.  Now is not the time to find out what all the fuss was about.  Go to bed early, dummy.

7.  Get up tomorrow, and do it all again.  And be sure to get some miles of running in there, we were already off yesterday and today, so don’t skip it.   You’re going to feel better in 3 days.  Just get through it and things will seem so much brighter!  Come on self, let’s do something nice for us.


Six Month Progress Report :)

It’s been about six months since I pulled myself off of the couch and decided to get my shit together, so let’s have a little re-cap!

I decided to start running in October 2011 to finish my first 5k, and then I signed up for a 10 month series of races to keep myself motivated through the winter and spring.  The miles have been adding up ever since!  More on that stuff later, but first, here’s what’s been happening in the last month:

I use the website to track my workouts and to connect with people off of facebook who actually want to hear about the leg cramp I had at the top of the hill on mile 5. They have a lot of colorful graphs and charts that break down your training by week or month, and it was pretty cool to see the difference between where I was in February compared to March.  I run with my Android phone (that sounds so awesome!  Why isn’t it more awesome in real life?), and I switched from using Cardiotrainer to Runtastic as my GPS app sometime in the beginning of March.  I like Runtastic so far, but the website hasn’t been super helpful in showing me how to email or download my training graphs…so we’re going old school today folks.   I sure wish I could show you, but that Fred Pryor Excel class I took is not paying off.  I still can’t figure out how to import a graph.  Whatever.

Here is a lovely bit of information I was able to copy over from Daily mile, but keep in mind that this is a cumulative total starting from November 2011:

284.21 Total Miles

62.09 Total Time

16 Lbs Burned

82 Total Workouts

0.01 Around World

54.68 TVs Powered

14.96 Gas Saved

307.93 Donuts Burned

Did you notice number 3, there?  16 pounds burned?  Yeah, I’m not living in that reality.  Although it could have something to do with the fact that I’m hitting some Dove chocolates right now and I put away some potato chips while standing at the kitchen counter last night…

But this is the coolest thing I found on all my graphs and collected data:

In February I ran a total of 31 miles, with my longest run being 4.64 miles on 2/24.

In March I ran a total of 83 miles, with my longest run being 8.89 miles on 3/24!  Holy shit!

That’s a big deal to me.  I know that there are tons of people out there who can run faster and longer, who are leaner and more muscled, but I’m pretty happy to see that in one month I increased my total miles by 52 and I more than doubled my long run of the week!  Suck it, old non-believing, non-running self!

So looking at that 9 mile long run, here are the per mile stats.  I was really happy to see that even though we have some killer hills out here, I managed to keep my average pace under 12 minutes  (aside from my first warm-up mile)  and even got under the 11 min mark for a lot of those miles.  That’s big news, people!  I am generally slow, and on normal days I am lucky to keep my average pace somewhere around 12 min/mile.  So to see some 10:30’s in there, especially at mile 7, made me feel really proud of myself!  And also super proud of the person who invented gels.  Thanks, gel-inventor!  Taking your product at mile 5 made a big-ass difference in my run!

Distance Pace Speed Avg. Duration Elevation gain Elevation loss
1 mi 12:36 min/mi 4.76 mph 13:03 242 ft 177 ft
2 mi 11:46 min/mi 5.09 mph 24:35 137 ft 170 ft
3 mi 11:27 min/mi 5.23 mph 36:18 144 ft 108 ft
4 mi 12:36 min/mi 4.76 mph 48:54 141 ft 177 ft
5 mi 10:42 min/mi 5.61 mph 59:40 177 ft 223 ft
6 mi 11:14 min/mi 5.34 mph 1:10:34 180 ft 183 ft
7 mi 10:36 min/mi 5.65 mph 1:21:08 206 ft 183 ft
8 mi 11:10 min/mi 5.37 mph 1:32:56 150 ft 157 ft
8.82 mi 10:46 min/mi 5.57 mph 1:41:02 154 ft 150 ft

I remember last October, when I was signed up to run my very first race, a Twin Cities 5k.  I was super nervous – like no ability to sleep, worried about looking like a ding-dong in front of crowds of people nervous.  I finished the race, and I was exhausted.  I went home and crashed like I had just finished some serious GI Jane type shit, full on couch-nap style.

Shortly after that race, I remember seeing on facebook that my sister-in-law had just finished a 7 mile run.  I was totally amazed!  How do people do that? I wondered.  There was no way in hell I would ever be able to go that far and then actually have the energy to type about it.  I remember listing in my head all the reason that she could do it and I couldn’t:

              She’s smaller than me

             She has more time and no kids

and the biggest excuse of all…

             some people are just made to run and some are not.  I’m not.

It seemed like something that wouldn’t happen in years and years, and I would have to lose all my extra weight and become a vegan to do it.  Well, it turns out it took about 6 months, I haven’t nearly lost all my extra weight (still lugging around about 30 extra pounds), and the disappearing turkey lunch meat and cottage cheese speaks to my vegan status.  After all that self-doubt, it turns out that:




Okay!  So we’ve figured out I had to learn to cut myself some slack and become the biggest supporter of my own things.  Check.

So let’s get to the “real” stuff, the physical changes. 🙂

Let me start by saying this:  I have a picture here from a year and a half ago in December.  I am at a cookie baking party.  That should tell you everything you need to know about where I was at during that December.

Hoo Boy. I just don't have the words.


This one is a little less…intense, but still, I’m all thighs and jowls.  This one is about a year later, and I’m a little smaller, but still.  Work to be done.

Aren’t kids taking pictures great?  The best part is that they are shorter than you, so every bit of chub you are trying to hide gets full viewing.

Okay, so at this point I think I comfortably in the 200’s.  Thank god I saw one of my cousins post on facebook that she was going to be signing up for a race series (more on that here) and I gave myself a serious intervention (Thanks, Diana!).

I’ve lost somewhere between 25-30 pounds, but I really try not to weight myself because it sends me on a mind trip that I just can’t deal with.  The real feel good stuff is that my clothes are loose, my fat clothes have been banished to Goodwill, and the “skinny” clothes I was saving in the closet have begun to show themselves in my wardrobe circulation.

Ooh!  Let’s do favorite body changes!

1.  The annoying back roll-thingy that was hanging above my waist is gone!  I can actually wear a tighter shirt without worrying about the activities of the fat behind me.  Good times.

2.  When I sit on a chair, my pelvic bones are making actual contact with a firm surface.  Like, hard chairs can be uncomfortable now.  Good and bad!

3.  I’ve stopped hating my thighs and booty so much.  They are still the biggest parts of me, but now I’m more concerned with the arms I need to tone up.  I look at my booty at Serena-In-Training.  Hey, it spells SIT!  I’m funny.

4.  I’m not super intense about people taking pictures of me anymore.  I actually had a hard time finding those two up there, I had deleted all horrible shots or stayed hidden behind the camera before now.

5.  General body image improvement!  I love that I’m getting strong legs, I love that I don’t feel so self-conscious anymore, I love that I can rely on my brain and body to let me get through 9 miles with only a little complaining.  Love it all!

Somehow I don’t really have any recent full body pictures of myself, I guess I need to work on that.  But these are the ones I have, and I’m not surprised to see that they are all from races or during a run :)…

Me at the Polar dash in January of 2012. My first 10k! Starting to get in better shape...

The Fast Before the Feast run on Thanksgiving this year with my boys. Getting less Jowly!

Me out on a run sometime in March 2012

The most recent pic, me having a celebratory beer after the March Get Lucky race

So, things are looking up.  I have my long run of the week tomorrow, and I’m going to try to get further into mile 9.  I’m not as worried about the half I have in June, I’m pretty sure I’m going to be okay for it!

I’m feeling good, and as long as I stay injury-free, I’m looking forward to all the things to come this summer!  More running, adding in some bike training for a Duathlon in August (run, bike, run) and then more running.  I’m pretty stoked about this six month check in, I hoping the next one will show even more progress!

I’m not a Control Freak! Just call me a Preparation Enthusiast.

Okay, yes, I may be splitting hairs on that one.   But it is a significant shift in attitude, no?

After all, I’m pretty sure that exactly nobody wants to be thought of as a freak (especially a female controlling one).  On the other hand, enthusiasts sound great to hang out with!  Fun!  Energetic!  Yep, that’s me.   As long as you meet me at the time we agreed on in our emails and don’t show up with three additional people I didn’t know were coming.  I’m enthusiastic about sticking to my plans!  Yay!

I was thinking this morning about how I became this person who needs to be organized and ready for anything, who feels that a list and a stock of supplies can help any problem seem easier to get through.  And then I realized:  it was the mise en place.

I went through culinary school when I was in my twenties, and aside from teaching me that there is a proper way to cut an onion, make a clear stock, and whisk a smooth hollandaise, it taught me how to greatly decrease potential screw-ups by using Mise En Place.   

Mise en place (pronounced [miz on plas], literally “putting in place”) is a French phrase defined by the Culinary Institute of America as “everything in place”, as in set up. It is used in professional kitchens to refer to organizing and arranging the ingredients (e.g., cuts of meat, relishes, sauces, par-cooked items, spices, freshly chopped vegetables, and other components) that a cook will require for the menu items that he or she expects to prepare during his/her shift.[1]

  – The never ending source of knowledge: Wikipedia

I realize that I'm probably alone on this one, but this looks exciting to me. Ready for battle!

At first, I thought it was all just nit-picky fussbudget stuff, another  way for people to make things more complicated than they needed to be.  Just make your food!  Don’t get so wound up about it!  I thought.  And I did.  Then I worked my first night on the main line of a restaurant I was training in, and I found out what a cluster-you-know-what it is when you aren’t ready for the uphill climb ahead of you. When you have hungry customers waiting on you to push through the busy dinner hour and give them the food they ordered, they really don’t give a shit that you didn’t prep enough grated parmesan for the fifty extra people who weren’t expected to come in that night.   All the customers can see is that you are holding up their dinner; all you can see is that this stress and friction is happening because you ignored the power of the mise en place.  I learned that by making sure I was prepared for anything, it decreased my anxiety about the hard work ahead by preparing for all worst-case scenarios: what if I drop my knife on the dirty floor?  Have a back up knife nearby.  I only have a handful of thyme, what if I run out?  Prep what you have and then prep some parsley as a backup.  What if I don’t have enough time to take my break?  You won’t.  It’s going to be so busy you’re going to have sweat running into your eyes and you won’t remember the last time you sat down.  Have a huge bottle of water stashed nearby, and two towels – one for the food, one for your sweat.  Don’t mix up the two.

This kind of order makes me really happy 🙂 Disturbing? Maybe.

It was freeing, actually.  I had everything in front of me that I would possibly need for my upcoming battle, and all that was left was to use my own strength to push forward and get it done.  Nothing felt so good as to emerge from a tough night of working on the line, sweaty and tired, but satisfied that I had worked without any major screw-ups that could have been prevented by using the principles of mise en place.  It has seriously changed the way I prepare for and handle almost all the things in my life that have the potential for becoming stressful.   Camping, taking the kids to the zoo, multiple family holiday run-arounds, it all falls into the I better get my mise together category.

And now, of course, running has been pulled into the realm of things that preparation makes better!  For those short runs, 4 miles or less, I can usually keep the need to compulsively prepare in check.  My equipment needs are pretty minimal for those days  (water and music would be nice but not super necessary), so my OCD about having things ready and in place can be dialed back a bit.  On long run days or race days, however, don’t mess with my Mise.

I'm pretty sure this shirt was made for people like me.

My route needs to be mapped out the night before, with a mileage check done on a couple of different map sites.  I do a supply check and set everything out on the table so there are no early morning run-around-in-a-crazed-panic moments.  Hydration belt (find the water bottle!), gel, MP3 player (charged) and headphones, phone (charged), ID bracelet, running clothes, socks that I trust to keep me blister-free (and that match each other), hair binder, headband.  And that’s just the long run day list.  Race day prep adds so much more…

I know it sounds like I’m adding pressure to myself, that I’m making things more intense than they need to be on a day that’s already going to be kind of taxing.  But really, once everything is laid out, thought over, and prepared, I can go to bed and sleep well.  I know that in the morning, I am free to wake up and do what it is I really want to do – run.  I can rest easy in the knowledge that my prep will support me through the whole thing, and I can make it back home happy that I gave it my strongest effort.  My pace will reflect my actual work extended, not the slow-down that comes from the mistake of forgetting to bring enough water, or not having enough time in the morning to pick out the right clothes that I feel the best in, or misplacing the gels I thought I had in the pantry and going on without them.

For me, the mental work of running is totally equal to the physical work of running.  If I can bolster myself up by setting up my running mise en place, then I’m all over it.  It only takes a little doubt, or self-criticism, or jolt to my expectations to set my run off at an uneven place.  So I happily embrace my need to organize, and if it’s going to help me reach my goals in a happier state, then it’s always welcome on my runs.

Sometimes you’ve got to pay someone…

The knots surrounding my shoulder blades have been getting big enough now for me to think about giving them names, and so I decided it was probably time to cash in a Groupon I’ve been hanging on to forever and get them taken care of.  Or rather, taken out.   Pulp Fiction-style, thumb and forefinger in the gun position, taken out.

Take them out?


No. Take them out.

It’s always a crap shoot using one of those Groupons, I tend to feel like I’m making a deal that will end in something horrible happening.  Like, why is the massage parlour willing to sell them for so cheap?  Are they that terrible?  Have they driven away so many customers that now they’re shilling on Groupon?  Or are they just opening and filled with newly licensed therapists who haven’t quite gotten their shit together yet?

I’m not really in a position to be a super-discerning massage recipient (young children will do that to your income), so I usually end up taking the bait.  My husband, for being a sturdy guy, somehow manages to lose strength in his hands after two minutes of shoulder rubbing, and the massage that started nicely enough turns into a strange mashing of fist shapes into my spine with noises coming from him that tell me he’s giving it all he’s got.  So yes, I will buy that Groupon for a massage at a place I’ve never heard of or been to for $25!

After months of increasing my distance and pace during my runs, having my two boys use me as their wrestling partner, and all the other things going on that make up a woman’s life, I was ready for this.  It was like I was going on my first date in ten years – legs were shaved (even the backs!), toenails were painted, everything put in its place or taken out of its place, depending on what it was.  And then when using google to figure out how to get to my randomly picked massage, I read a couple of reviews that past customers had left.  And it was a major buzzkill.  Some of the complaints included unprofessional employees, a not-so-soothing environment, and iffy usage of the massage time (starting late and ending early).  But at least now I was prepared for the sub-par massage that was to come!  By god, I was going to ignore everything this place was going to throw at me and get my kinks worked out if it killed me.

Well, the reviews were pretty accurate.  My masseur, although she was semi-friendly, chewed gum for most of the massage, and the fan in the corner was making a noise that sounded like a death rattle, and I could hear people in the next room when they peed and then flushed.

So it was not so much this:

This place looks nice. I wish I could have gone there, too.

And more of this:

Okay, so it wasn't this painful. But it was this ugly.

But I still think it was worth it.

I know that she loosened my incredibly tight calf muscles and we discovered that when she pushed on a certain point in my upper back, my bones crackled like someone was crushing styrofoam (perhaps a trip to the chiropractor is next?).  Somehow I managed to have knots and extreme tightness on the top of my forearms – how the hell does that happen?  I left feeling – if not relaxed or rejuvenated – worked on.  And sometimes when that’s all you can get, you take it and are happy you had it.

I don’t know if what they say about lactic acid release after a massage is true, but I do know that I was so exhausted after my working-over that I went to bed at 9:30 and slept hard until 7.  This morning I woke up and was convinced that I had been  involved in some sort of sleepwalking street fight during the wee hours.  A fight that I had obviously lost.   But despite  sounding like I’m complaining about the experience, I’m actually really glad for it all.  Maybe it means I worked some of the toxins out of my muscles that have been gathering for six months.  Maybe my discomfort today is because I don’t get massages often enough, which means I need to schedule them on a monthly basis (at a less spirit dampening establishment).  Maybe having whats-her-name find my back clickies will lead me to hire a chiropractor, who will align me properly and I won’t suffer from shooting lower back pain anymore.  Maybe it was all pre-destined to be a sub-par experience!

Now I need to see if I can find a chiropractor on Groupon.